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Dear Internationally Renowned Realtor Wade;
My wife has developed a really bad snoring habit. Sometimes she will go all night long, practically peeling the paint off the walls with all the noise. There is no way I can sleep. What's a guy to do?

Signed;
Ear Plugged

Dear Ear Plugged;
From what I hear, snoring can be caused by a variety of factors, and in some cases it could be a serious medical problem. But that is not really important. What's important is that you have a problem and I have an answer — a lovely four bedroom, two bath home in a great neighborhood that has master suites upstairs and downstairs. When the old hag starts peeling paint, you can just go downstairs and enjoy the quiet privacy of your own bedroom. And the best news is, that house is currently being listed by yours truly, so we can get you in there fast and easy and I will earn the full commission.

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Dear Internationally Renowned Realtor Wade;
My husband does not like going to the doctor. Recently he has had some sharp chest pains, shortness of breath, clammy sweating, coldness in his extremities, and headaches. The worst part is that gets extremely pale during these episodes, almost like his blood is not circulating well. Still, he won't go to the doctor. What is a worried wife to do?

Signed;
Worried wife

Dear Worried Wife;
You have reason to be concerned, those sound like some pretty serious health symptoms. I can't make any kind of recommendation without some more information though. The most important question is, what is your budget? Because if 200k is as high as you can go, then your best bet is probably to buy a house close to the hospital. If we could push out your budget to say, over 750k, then we could probably put the two of you into a nice home on the beach. You get him out on the beach a couple days a week and it will clear up the pale complexion in no time.

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Dear Internationally Renowned Realtor Wade;
My husband has become distant lately, he is always either too busy or too tired to spend any time with me or even talk. I love him and I know he loves me, but I'm concerned. I just don't know what to do.

Signed;
Losing Faith

Dear Losing Faith;
Your answer in this situation is pretty simple. You need to get a divorce. Housing inventory is still low and demand is high, so you should be able to sell your home quickly. After you divide up the proceeds, both of you will be able to go out and buy your own homes and you won't have to deal with this moody character any longer. Best of all, as your Realtor, I will earn at least three sides from all the selling and buying.

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Dear Internationally Renowned Realtor Wade;
For many years I have worked hard to cultivate a garden in my backyard, growing everything from corn to watermelon. My problem is that the neighborhood kids are coming over and stealing my fruits and vegetables right off the vine. What is a honest horticulturist to do?

Signed;
Honest Horticulturist

Dear Honest Horticulturist;
I believe that your real problem is not that kids are stealing your food. We both know that one memorable late night tazing would solve that issue. Your real problem is that you are cheap. If you had more money, you wouldn't be so cheap. So what you need to do is make more money, and the way to do that is to invest in real estate. Now is a great time, you can buy rental property that will immediately earn 6 - 10% ROI.

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Dear Internationally Renowned Realtor Wade;
I just won $30 million in the lottery and I'm looking to make some investments in real estate. What do you think my best options would be?

Signed;
Ready to Buy!

Dear Ready to Buy!
I appreciate your enthusiasm but you need to understand, this is not a business advice column, it is more geared toward assisting people with personal problems.

*by international, I mean I once had a client who called me from South Korea